Holy crap, Batman! I got tagged!

I didn’t even realized I’d gotten tagged until I followed the link from Nudemuse’s post (cuz she got tagged, too).  Sorry, Boobs I Has Dem!  I don’t know why the link didn’t show up on my dashboard!

So here we go:

What are five things you’ve said or done in the past twelve months that you’re most proud of?

1.  Finally finding my way on the road to self-acceptance. Having started therapy at the age of 8 and going continuously for 10 years, as well as many intermittent periods of therapy after that, this is a big deal to me.  All those years of therapy did absolutely nothing for me.  Less than a year with FA?  Has made such a huge difference that there aren’t even enough words in the English language to describe it.

2.  Learning to dress myself. I know that sounds odd, especially coming from a 32-year-old woman, but I had hidden myself away in my clothes for so long that I honestly did not know what kinds of things would look good on me and what wouldn’t.  I’ve come full circle, wearing things that I NEVER, IN A MILLION YEARS thought I could pull off.  And I look GOOD.  I’m by no means an expert, but the progress I’ve made is amazing.

3.  As Joy so wonderfully put it, I stopped letting the tiny little minds get me down. There was a point where I seriously considered deleting my blog because of the troll comments.  To be quite honest, they really got to me at first.  But then Hubby brought up a good point.

“So you’re going to let some anonymous assholes undo all the hard work you’ve done over the last few months?”

Short answer: NO!  Longer answer: My ingrained belligerence came in handy.  I simply stuck my heels in and REFUSED to ALLOW them to upset me.  Now, if a troll comment does seem to bother me, I’m more bothered by the blatant stupidity the troll reveals than anything.  Stupidity is my biggest pet peeve, so it’s not a surprise that troll stupidity would bother me.  (I do distinguish between ignorance and stupidity.  An ignorant person can be taught.  Stupid people are hopeless.)  Most of the time?  They’re just ridiculous.

4.  I spoke up to my chosen family* about my views on FA and fat in general. I posted about it here.  Honestly, I was a little scared to say anything, but I was too drunk at the time to care.  But now that I’ve said it, I’m glad I did.  My chosen family did not look at me like I’d grown a second head or gone crazy or anything like I had feared.  As a matter of fact, one person verbally agreed with me.  I hope I’ve given them something to think about.  If nothing else, I hope I’ve given them a seed with which to grow a better sense of self-worth.

5.  Through loving myself, I have built a better relationship with my husband than I ever thought I could have. This is another thing I’ve blogged about, here.  I’ve gone from thinking I needed an action plan for WHEN we got divorced (I had seriously come to the point where I felt it was a foregone conclusion) to thinking I was an idiot for thinking that way in the first place.

Wow.  That was actually really hard to do.  I had to save this as a draft for a couple of days in order to get through it all.  I’m glad I did, though; it was definitely worth it.  🙂

* – When I say “chosen family,” I’m referring to my best friend’s family.  I believe I’ve mentioned it before, but they have completely absorbed me into their family, to the point that I’m being invited to birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, etc., not just in my best friend’s immediate family (kids, grandkids, etc.), but in her extended family as well (sisters, nieces, nephews, the lot).  There is only ONE person in her ENTIRE family that doesn’t like me, and I don’t care, ‘cuz nobody likes HER, either!

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6 Responses

  1. All things to be fabulously proud of! I wish you many more such accomplishments in the days, months, and years to come.

    I hope I can find a way to get along with my beau also. Maybe I need to grow some self-esteem too before I can fully be with him…

  2. I really empathise with number 2! I’m totally going through the same thing right now. Which means my boyfriend is yelling at me for buying too many clothes.

    Thanks for sharing. I totally don’t normally partake in memes, but this a really enlightening one!

  3. Oh, I totally admit I’ve been buying clothes every month, without fail. However, I’ve been “smart” about it and only bought things from clearance racks or thrift stores. I can only remember ONE item I bought at full price. And I’ve limited myself to a total maximum of £40 per month. So Hubby doesn’t really care one way or the other. It’s making me happy, and I’m not spending so much that it’s making it hard to pay bills, so he just doesn’t care one way or the other.

    I liked doing this meme, even though it was hard for me. I think it’s a good exercise in self-esteem, too, BIHD.

  4. Thank you so much for this, I went and read the link you gave about your relationship with your husband and honestly my heart just longs to have this. I struggle so much with this whole thing having come from men who have treated me horrid, from the fiance who told me one day he could never imagine waking up next to me and being able to smile, to the long term boyfriend who treated me like crap, would ignore me for days and then one day told me he couldn’t get over my looks and left me, he had been cheating on me and less than a month later he was getting married.

    I am now with an incredible kind, caring sweet man who treats me like a princess, and I don’t know how to handle it lol. He calls me beautiful, and I say “thank you for saying that” or something to that effect but I don’t believe that he could actually find me beautiful. We actually met online, I was hoping to find some friends around my area that shared my faith and such that I could do things with, instead I met him. He lives in Texas I live in Colorado, He has seen me in real life, we had a great weekend together once already, but I keep thinking he must not have really seen me. I don’t know how to reach this point where I actually believe it, I am constantly reminding myself to not get too attached (even though I love him dearly) and to be ready for when he finds someone better and leaves me.

    We talk about marriage, and I would be honored to spend the rest of my life with him, but like you felt, I feel like he would be settling, that he deserves so much more. I have been fighting so hard lately the urge to push him away because I love him so deeply and I know when he leaves me it is going to hurt so badly, but I try to keep telling myself that this is a lie I am telling myself and that I can believe him because what would he gain lying to me? I am just really struggling with this, I so long to be able to believe in him and how he sees me, but I can’t help but brace myself for what I feel is the inevitable, and if I push him away… it will hurt less right?

    I don’t know how to start believing in my heart his words of love and his compliments. I know in my head he wouldn’t lie to me…. but I just am not there yet.

  5. Oh, Cordy, I think what you need first is a big hug. {{{HUG}}}

    What I didn’t mention – and I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it on any of my other posts, either – is that Hubby and I met online, too. 🙂 Neither of us were looking at the time – we met in a games chat room – but it just sort of happened. (Actually, I’ve had some drafts sitting in my dashboard for a while now, telling the story of how we met. Maybe I should finish them up and publish them?)

    I’m not going to give you advice – because I know from experience that when you’re at the place you happen to be at right now, even the best advice in the world isn’t going to work. You’re going to have to get to “that” place on your own.

    I will tell you what helped me, though. First and foremost, finding FA. Being told that loving myself the way I am was not only NOT crazy, but a GOOD thing, was life-changing for me. Secondly, the Fatshionista community on LiveJournal had a huge part in it. Seeing photos of fat women (and some men, but it is mostly women) and being able to see the beauty in ALL of them went a long way to making me see that if they could be beautiful, then why can’t I? It took months, but finally my thinking went the way of “why not?”

    I know I’ll never be the “accepted” idea of beautiful, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t BE beautiful. And that goes for everyone. I’ve become a firm believer of what’s on the inside shines through the outside. In other words, if you FEEL that you’re beautiful, you WILL be. And let’s face it, most of the time we’re our own worst enemies. Especially us women. As a rule, we tend to see ourselves as uglier than the outside world really sees us.

    Because of joining Fatshionista, I started taking pictures of myself. Like almost every day. My original purpose for joining was to learn how to dress myself properly. I had been hiding in my clothes for so long I honestly had NO idea what would look good on me and what wouldn’t. (I didn’t post them all. I would take the picture and set it aside for a while – at least a day or two. When I went back to look at it after that, I was better able to study the picture more objectively.) I didn’t know it at the time, but taking those pictures worked a miracle for me.

    I began to see that my mental image of myself was completely warped. I was not as fat and misshapen as I thought I was. And when I finally began to see what was really there, as opposed to what I thought was there? I began to actually LIKE what I saw. I began to see that I’m not just a fat freak; I look pretty good, actually.

    All of this – independent of my husband, I must point out – went a LONG way to increasing my confidence. I began to believe in my own head that I was a worthy human being, and fairly attractive. I began to realize that my insecurity had held me back from so many things, and it fuelled me with anger. The angrier I got at the stupid way I had conducted my life, the more I was determined that I wasn’t going to live the REST of my life that way.

    When Hubby started to notice the change in me, that’s when things in our marriage began to spontaneously get better. It wasn’t until I sat down and thought back that I realized what the catalyst was. It definitely wasn’t something I had planned on, just a happy coincidence.

    Like I said, I know you have to be able to get to that point in your head on your own. But I hope that my telling you the steps I took might help. Who knows, maybe some of that will work for you. Only you know that.

    But I wish you the best of luck. I resemble your remark, and I really hope that someday (soon!) you can get to the point I am now. I’m not even ALL the way there yet, but I’m so much happier now and I want that for everybody. 🙂

  6. Oh, and a P.S.

    I LOVE Colorado!!! Honestly, if money were no object and I could live anywhere in the world, I would definitely pick Colorado. It is one of the most gorgeous areas to live in, not to mention a fun place, too. I’ve been to the Denver area 5 times in my life, and I would give almost anything to be able to go back again. My aunt lives in Lakewood, and she can see the mountains from her front door, literally. Actually, Hubby and I have talked about the possibility of retiring to Colorado once the children are grown. Seriously. He’s even gone so far to try and find out (through the internet) what kind of organizations are available for my oldest daughter (who will never be able to live on her own). He loves it as much as I do, and he’s only been there the once!

    Just had to throw my Colorado-loving in there. ‘)

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