Absence

I need to get back into this whole fat acceptance blogging thing.

But I wanted to explain why I was away.

On New Year’s Eve, my best friend was diagnosed with leukemia. We live next door to one another, right across from our doctors’ offices. I knew what time she was going, and because I was concerned about her, I watched from the living room window. I was hoping I would see some sort of jubilant expression on her face as she left; I was hoping that her diagnosis wasn’t going to be as bad as we’d all feared. But all my hope was for naught. She left the doctors’ offices with her 20-year-old daughter, sobbing uncontrollably. When her daughter tried to comfort her, she shrugged her off. The ironic thing about it is that we had been very excited; we were going out that night to celebrate the new year and my birthday (my birthday had been the day before). I’d gone shopping to buy a new outfit for the occasion and had gone over to her house to get her opinion (I’m not very good at dressing myself; most of the time I wear Omar The Tentmaker clothes). We were talking about what a good time we were going to have (and we always do!), but at the back of our minds we were all worried about what this doctor’s appointment was going to bring.

We ended up going out anyway, and having a good time, but the subject of her upcoming treatment was never far away. As many times as we tried to change the subject and talk about something much more cheerful, somehow it always came back to is she going to be okay?

And I think it sent me into a spiral of depression. She’s the only friend I have. I used to make friends so easily, but I find it very hard to do here, and she’s all I’ve got. I don’t want her to be sick. I want her to be happy and healthy. I don’t want to watch her children watch her get weaker and weaker. I don’t want to watch her grandchildren, oblivious to what’s happening to her, and wonder if they’re going to even have her around for much longer.

And I don’t want to think about losing the only friend I have.

The depression wasn’t all about her, though. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I’m so far away from my family this year. I’ve been away from them for 5 years now, but this year was the hardest, because this was the first year that they all got together and I wasn’t there. They would call me and tell me what fun they were having, and while I know they were simply trying to include me the only way they could, what it did was make it even harder on me.

And knowing that my ‘mom’ is going to sell the house this year made it even worse. I get asked all the time “do you ever think about going home?” Once the house sells, there will be no home to go home to.

Add to all of this the stresses of trying to run a home and take care of a family with four children, and the longer I was away from this blog, the easier it became to just stay away.

But recently things started to change. I started coming out of my depression. My best friend, while still extremely ill, seems to be making progress (though not as much as we’d all like). My marriage seems to have completely turned around, becoming more and more like it was when we first tied the knot nearly 9 years ago. The children are still a bunch of holy terrors, but…. they’re children.

And so my thoughts increasingly came back to here, and what I was trying to do here. I love the fact that people were (and still are, apparently) coming to read what I’ve written, but honestly, I was doing it more for myself than anybody else. Getting my thoughts typed out and posted, in a way, helped to reinforce for me what I was trying to teach myself. That I’m okay just the way I am. That, while change isn’t necessarily a bad thing, there are certain aspects of me that I don’t need to change. I don’t need to become thin to become a good person. I don’t need to starve myself into oblivion to make myself acceptable. People will accept me or not regardless of what I look like; and those that won’t accept me while fat are people I don’t want in my life anyway.

So I’m back. I took a detour, but I’ve taken the first steps on the road that I was previously on. I might need to backtrack just a little bit, but at least I’ve come back to the right road again.

Cross your fingers for me that I won’t get lost again.

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5 Responses

  1. Welcome back, you’ve been missed. I hope that your friend’s health improves and whatever treatment she’s getting works for her. I lost a friend to non-hodgkin’s lymphoma about 17 years ago and that was really difficult. I lost another friend to WLS 11 years ago, and that was the most difficult thing I’d ever faced (not that I wouldn’t have been friends with her even if I had known she was going to be gone from my life so soon, her friendship meant that much to me).

  2. Thank you, vesta. 🙂

    I remember reading about your friend who died from the complications of the WLS. 😦 My heart went out to you then, but even more so now, now that I have some idea of what you must have been going through.

    It sucks.

  3. Aww, girlie. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this. But let me echo Vesta: you’ve been missed. I too hope that your friend’s health improves, and that even when you aren’t here, you’re able to advance in your FA journey.

    Best wishes and blessings, doll.

  4. Aw, thanks, FN! *huggles*

    I’ve learned something, though. Whether I want to believe it or not, I NEED to be here. I was feeling so much better about myself when I was active on here and around the Fatosphere. Then May got her diagnosis and I guess I was just thrown for a loop. But I pulled my head out of my ass. 😉

  5. Glad to see new posts from ya! Now I’ve got readin’ to catch up on…

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